Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.