Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*