You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.