There’s no “u” in narcissist
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.