Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know