There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.