*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.