I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest