I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.