*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.