is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.