When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?