I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world
Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…
Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower
10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is
me: you know what I need?
body: vitamins? water? a vegetable?
me: another coffee.
body: you mother fu-