As a man you should NEVER watch your woman struggle to pay bills.
Dump her and find one with some money
For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used
Me in January: (stuffing tangled lights and ornaments into unlabeled boxes) Problem for another day!
Me in December: Son of a b****
Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived