it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now