me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.