Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.