I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.