Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge