It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT