Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.