Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”