I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.