I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.