My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.