Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.