People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.