When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
You can’t rush stupid.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.