Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.