He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.