*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–