After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.