Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.