I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.