I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.