“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.