I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.