What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.