“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.