I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.