What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.