My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.