Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.