Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.