I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.