Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.