Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.