If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.