If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.