Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.